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Date: Sat, 12 Jun 2004 23:57:31 -0400
Subject: [ASC] NEW: TOS Scientist [PG13] 1/3  K/Ch, ChFF
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Forwarded by the ASC-VSO 
Posted: 11 Jun 2004 20:58:40 -0700  
In: alt.startrek.creative 
From: djinn@djinnslair.com (Djinn) 
 

TITLE: Scientist
AUTHOR: Djinn
CONTACT: djinn@djinnslair.com http://www.djinnslair.com
SERIES: TOS
RATING: PG-13
CODES: K/Ch, Chapel Fic Fest
PART: 1/3
DISCLAIMERS: Paramount and Viacom own these characters--I'm just
warping canon.
SUMMARY: Sequel to "Doctor." The continuing look at Chapel through

The air is brisk as Christine leaves the lab for the walk home.  She
pulls her coat around her more securely, wishing the anger she feels
inside could warm her outside.

"Hey!"  David runs out behind her, ignoring the new guard who tells
him to slow down--the old guards will fill him in soon enough on not
trying to fetter the creative element.  "Christine, wait."

She walks faster.  She is tired.  So tired of arguing with him.  He is
determined to use the protomatter.  And she has run out of other
options.

Two years ago, she was as hot to try it out as he is.  Two years ago,
she wasn't lying to Jim every time he tries to ask her about work--as
well as every time it never even occurs to him to ask about his son. 
She sees his son every damn day, and he doesn't even know it.

It doesn't help that Jim seems more miserable in his own Earthbound
job with every day that passes.  He hates that part of his life, and
the rest of it she is wrecking all on her own.

David catches up to her.  "Christine.  Stop.  Please."

She turns to him, but doesn't stop walking.  It's too cold to stand
outside and argue.  She shivers, pulls the stupidly ineffectual
regulation jacket she grabbed that morning around her.

"Come on.  Let's get some coffee and talk where it's warm."  He takes
her arm, steers her toward a nearby coffeehouse.

She yanks her arm away.  "I don't want coffee, David.  I want to go
home."

He takes her hand, gives her the pleading look that is half Jim and
half some terrible tempter out of myth.  Loki, she decided long ago. 
David is Loki.

He moves his other hand underneath hers, trapping hers as he chafes it
softly.  "Please?  Christine, I need you."  He is leaning in, his look
intense.

He can turn intellectual conversation into seduction.  Even if he has
absolutely no interest in her that way, he still can use his father's
charm to get what he wants.

She lets him pull her inside.  He orders for her and carries the
drinks to a secluded table.

"I know you're angry with me," he says.  "But we've tried everything
else.  It's time to bite the bullet."

She doesn't answer.

"I don't understand your attitude, Christine.  You want this as much
as I do.  You're as eager to test out your theories as I am.  I know
you are.  So what is the problem?"  He leans in.  "I can't believe
you're letting your personal life get in the way of this."

"Stay out of my personal life," she says, only barely stopping herself
from adding, "And your father's."

"Okay."  He holds up his hands.  "Christine, I need to know you won't
fight me on this.  Mother cannot know what we are planning."

She doesn't answer.  He knows she won't tell Carol.  There is no way
she won't be blamed just as much as David.  In this case, it
definitely takes two to tango with protomatter.

He shakes his head.  "We're not doing anything wrong.  When this is
over, history will laud us."

She is tired.  Too tired to fight him.  She wishes she never accepted
his offer, never gave in to his charm.  Her hubris was matched only by
her stupidity--did she really think that she could keep this from Jim
and not pay some kind of price?

Lies fester.  Even if the person being lied to doesn't suspect they
don't know the truth.  The liar knows.  And she pays for being false
in every other aspect of her life with the person she has wronged.

Christine has been paying for some time now.  The worst part is that
she's started to close her eyes when she and Jim make love.  She can't
bear for him to see what lies inside her.  What lies lie inside her.

She sighs.  

What difference does it make anymore?  But for her work on the
project, David wouldn't even be at a stage to use protomatter.  She
made it possible for him to harness the damned stuff; she should see
this out.

David suddenly looks over at the window.

"What's wrong?"

"I thought someone was there.  Watching us."

She closes her eyes. He's getting paranoid, she's getting neurotic. 
If they're not doing anything wrong, why are they both so jumpy?

She gets up, her coffee mostly untouched.  "I have to get home."

"But you'll be back tomorrow?"

She nods.   She'll be back.  She'll probably always be back.  The
siren song of this young genius and her own curiosity are too strong
to resist.

Even though she knows she should resist.  Should just tell him and his
mother to go to hell and let them finish Genesis on their own.

"Christine.  It's going to be all right.  You'll see."

She turns and leaves, walking home as quickly as she can.  Jim isn't
there when she arrives.  She hangs her coat up and wanders the rooms
of their apartment, touching the things they've bought together since
they moved back to Earth.  So much shared property, so many shared
memories.

And they are supposed to get married in a few months.  That thought
used to make her ecstatic.  Now it just feels like the lies are
closing in more.

She laughs at herself.  Does she really think this will get worse when
they are married?

How can it possibly get any worse?

She hears the front door open, walks back out to the main room.  Jim
is hanging up his coat, he doesn't turn to look at her.

"Hi."  She moves to him, wrapping her arms around him.  "Long day?"

He nods.

"Jim?"

He turns, stares at her.  "You'd tell me if you were unhappy, wouldn't
you?"

"If I were unhappy with what?"

He shrugs.  "With anything.  Work.  Us."

"Sure.  Why?  Are you trying to tell me that you're sick of us?"  She
grins, wants to turn it into a joke.  She doesn't like how sad he
seems or how hard his eyes are.

Work must have really been bad today.  He has never come home like
this before.

"No.  I'm not."  He seems disappointed in her answer, moves away and
pours himself a drink.

She watches him, realizes she is still cold and wraps her arms around
herself.

He glances over, his expression becomes even harder.

"Jim?  What is it?"

"Nothing.  It's been a bad day.  Didn't end well."  He stalks off
toward his study.

She watches him go.  Feels another crack creeping down between them. 
If love is a bridge, then this one is quickly becoming structurally
unsound.

And she knows that most of that is her fault.  Lies fester.  

She's an idiot.

She's also trapped by her own ambitions.  Ambitions she didn't even
know she had before Genesis.

She debates going into his study but then she hears the music start
up.  Old jazz, the kind he loves and she doesn't.  The message
couldn't be clearer:  "Stay away.  I don't want you."

She sighs.  She's not hungry, just cold.  She decides to go to bed and
warm up there.

She wonders if he'll join her before she falls asleep.

He doesn't.

---------------------------

"Christine, you seem particularly distracted tonight."  Spock is
looking down at the Ka'Vareth board.

It's true.  She's made a mess of the game.  Almost as much as she's
made a mess of her life.

She pushes her chair back, tips one of the pieces over.

"It is premature to admit defeat."

"What are the odds that I'll win?"

"Approximately one thousand three hundred to one, given the way you
are playing."

"Well, there you go."  She gets up, walks over to the window, looking
for Jim.

She can smell the food; it's almost ready.  Where the hell is Jim?  
He knew Spock was coming over for dinner.

"You can trust me, Christine.  If there is a problem, I would like to
help."

"It doesn't concern you," she says more sharply than she means to.  

"Of course.  My apologies for intruding."  He turns away.

She thinks she's actually hurt his feelings.  "No.  I'm sorry.  That
was rude."  She turns away from the window.  "It's just a rough patch
right now.  That's all."

She and Jim will be fine.

She just needs to keep telling herself that.

Believing it might be a good start too.

She looks back out the window, sees Jim.  He's got Admiral Cartwright
in tow.  She sighs.  He didn't tell her he was bringing Matthew. 
Fortunately, she's cooked too much food.

In the old days, he would have told her.

In the old days, they actually talked.

He and Matthew barrel into the apartment, laughing.  Jim's smile fades
a bit when he sees her.

That hurts.

But it's only fair.  She can feel her own expression tighten as she
looks at him.

She senses Spock is missing nothing.  She is not sure how much of this
Matthew is picking up.

She moves to the kitchen, gets the food ready.  Matthew helps her,
like he always does.

"Sure smells good, Christine."  He grins at her.  

"Thanks."  She tries to relax, figures she will if she has a few more
glasses of wine.

As if he can read her mind, Jim is handing her a glass of red.  He's
making short work of his own Scotch.

Great.  If this keeps up, they'll be lushes as well as strangers.

Dinner isn't as painful as it would be if it were just Jim and her. 
Matthew and Spock are keeping the conversation going with tales of the
cadets.  Jim is smiling, but he doesn't chime in, even though she
knows he must have a few funny cadet stories of his own.

Not surprisingly, she is afraid to share any funny
Genesis-in-the-making stories.  She's sure she'll slip up, mention
Carol or David or something restricted.

Jim and the others never ask her about her work.  They all know she's
working on something very sensitive.  They all understand that even
though they might be cleared for it, that doesn't mean they need to
know about it.  They're all good officers that way.

It makes it easier to lie to them.

She knows she could talk about things more than she does.  She could
complain about the idiosyncrasies of her coworkers or talk about
problems in general.  It's what her colleagues do at home.  But she's
just as afraid that she'll accidentally mention protomatter as she is
about outing her relationship with Jim's estranged ex-girlfriend and
son.  She knows it's her own guilt making her act so tightlipped.  But
knowing why she is doing it doesn't make it any easier to stop.

After dinner, Spock tries to help her clean up, but she shoos him out
of the kitchen.  She can hear the three of them out in the living
room.  They sound much more relaxed.

She hates to think it is because she isn't there.

She knows it might be exactly because of that.

When she's done cleaning up, she goes to her study instead of joining
them.  She finds it hard to concentrate on anything, finally gives up
and stares out the window at what looks like a gathering storm on the
horizon.

"You okay?"  Jim is standing at the doorway, watching her.

She nods.  

"They left.  You didn't come out."

"I wasn't in the mood.  Sorry."

He sighs, steps farther into the room.  "Chris, we need to talk.  I
can't stand this."

"So talk."

His face tightens.  The flip answer was definitely not the best.

"I'm sorry, Jim.  I'm just tired."

"You're tired a lot."

He's right.  She uses it as an excuse for everything.  Even for sex
lately.  She's found that sex is just too much of a connection right
now.  It is getting too hard to hide the truth.

But she wants sex.  She wants him.  She wants to push him up against
the wall right now.  She wants him to grab her and kiss her and force
her to tell him the truth about Genesis and David and Carol.

It's the only way he's going to find out.

"I know you're having an affair."

Her jaw drops.  He knows what?

"I saw you--" he swallows hard "--and him.  The other day at that
coffee place near your office.  Who is he?"

"You were spying on me?"

"I came by to surprise you.  I was going to take you out to dinner."

"Oh."  She stares at him, unsure what to say.  Of all the conclusions
he could have leapt to, this is the last one she saw coming.

"So.  How long has this been going on?"

"Jim, I know how it must have looked, but that's not what you saw. 
He's just a friend.  From work."

"Didn't look like just a friend.  Your conversation looked like life
or death to me."  He smiles bitterly.  "I'm familiar with how intense
you can be.  This was definitely you upset."

She moves toward him, but he shies away.  "You're right, Jim.  I was
upset.  But it was just a work issue.  Something in the project that
he and I disagreed on."

"Really?"  He looks far from convinced.

"Really."

He moves closer.  "Then you won't mind if I talk to him.  Ask him
myself?"  He steps forward, grabs her arms.  "Who is he, Chris?"

She can feel her face go white.  "Jim.  I can't tell you that."

"Somehow, that's exactly what I figured you'd say."  He lets go of
her, starts out of the room.  But he turns at the door.  "You still
planning on going to Harry's this weekend?"

She nods.  She's been looking forward to seeing the ranch ever since
Jim's uncle told them about it at dinner the last time he was in town.

"Well, don't.  I need some time alone."  His eyes are cold.  Colder
than she's ever seen them.  "You stay here.  With your 'friend.'"

"Jim.  No."  She reaches out for him.  "Don't do this."

"Then tell me the truth, dammit!"

Her hand drops.  "I am telling you the truth."  The falseness of that
statement rings between them.

"No.  You aren't."  He turns on his heel and walks out.  She hears the
door close to his study; the jazz starts up.

He doesn't come out all night.

---------------------------------

The apartment seems particularly empty with Jim gone.  He's back in
Idaho.  Apparently, he enjoyed his weekend so much that he decided to
take some leave and revisit it for a long weekend.

He never asked her if she wanted to come.

Christine roams the apartment like a caged animal, pacing back and
forth as if she has been locked inside her own home.

The comm unit rings and she races to it.  Maybe it's him.  Maybe he's
missing her and wants her to come.

It's Harry.  

"Hi," she says uncertainly.

"Hello, Christine."  He looks over his shoulder, as if afraid he's
going to get caught taking to her.

"Something wrong?"

"Well, something must be.  You sure as hell aren't here, now are you?"

She looks down.  "I'd like to be."

"Then hop the nearest transporter and get your rear end up here."  He
glares at her.  He's not kidding around.

"I would.  But--"  She looks down.  She doesn't want to tell Jim's
uncle that his nephew would rather not see his fiancee.

They've postponed the marriage again.  She supposes she should be
grateful it's an informal thing.  Easily scheduled and rescheduled. 
Because they've been postponing it ever since they left the ship. 
Probably about the minute Jim started to sense she was keeping
something from him, and she started to pull back because of all the
lies she was telling.

"Christine, Jim'll kill me if he finds out I called you.  But you need
to get up here.  I don't know what's going on between the two of you,
but..."  He sighs.  "Oh hell, look, I've got a houseguest right now. 
Sweet thing.  Daughter of a friend.  Real looker.  Do you see the damn
problem?"

She closes her eyes.  Nods.

"Do you care?"

"Of course I care.  It's just not that simple."

"They're getting on real well, girl.  See my houseguest is just back
on Earth after a bad breakup.  I'm thinking she could use some
comforting.  I'm also thinking Jim seems awfully eager to be the one
giving that comfort.  You better get up here if you want to keep him."

He's cheating on her now.  It's only fair--in his mind anyway.  She
hasn't given him any reason to think she's not cheating.

"Christine.  Get up here."

"Okay."  She feels something fill her.  Resolve.  Anger.  Guilt. 
Everything.

The man she loves may soon be out of reach, and it's her fault.  

But she can fix this.  She can stop this.

She hurries out of the apartment, practically runs to the transporter
station.   Somehow manages to talk the tech into beaming her directly
to the ranch.  She hurries to the house, knocks loudly.

Harry answers.  "Good, you're here.  He's in the barn."

She doesn't wait, starts to run and then sees Jim come out.  She
realizes she is crying.  No wonder the tech took pity on her.

Jim starts walking toward her, as he gets closer he sees she is crying
and begins to hurry.  "Chris, what's wrong?"

She throws herself into his arms.  Tries to talk but is crying too
hard.

"What's happened?  Did someone get hurt?"

She pulls away.  "No.  I'm sorry."  

She sees a woman come out of the barn, can't tell much about her
except she looks pretty--and young.  The woman watches them.

"Is that her?"

He doesn't look back.  "That's Antonia.  She's staying with my uncle
until she gets settled."  His eyes narrow.  "Did Harry call you?"

She looks down.  She can't even protect Harry.  She hates lying. 
"Yes," she says.  "He did."

No more lies.  That's what her new policy will be. 

No more goddamn lies.

"I'm going to kill him."

"Don't.  He's just worried about you.  About us."

"Chris, I'm not sure there's an us to worry about anymore."  He sighs.
 "What the hell happened?  We were so happy."

She nods.  "It's this project, Jim.  I hate the secrecy.  I'm going to
transfer out.  I'll tell them that.  We're at a transition point, it's
the perfect time.  I don't care about it anymore.   I just don't want
to lose you."  She looks down.  "Do you even love me anymore?"

"Oh, Chris."  He pulls her close, his arms tight.  His voice is more
gentle than it has been for months.  "Of course I love you."

She sees Antonia go back into the barn.  "I'm not gonna ask you if you
slept with her."  She knows that might make it look like she did sleep
with David, but she doesn't care.  She just wants to start fresh. 
With no more lies.

"I--"

She touches his lips with her fingers.  "I don't want to know. 
Everything else is in the past.  No more secrets.  And no lies.  From
this moment on.   All right?"  She strokes his face.  "I love you.  I
don't want anything to come between us."

She kisses him, feels him hesitate and kisses him with more passion
until he responds, and his arms tighten around her.

"Do you have a bedroom here?" she asks.

"We have a perfectly good bedroom in our apartment.  Let's go back
there now."  He looks guilty suddenly, and it hits her like a punch to
the gut.

He did sleep with Antonia.  He doesn't want to sleep with Christine in
the same room.

Is it because he doesn't want to hurt her?  Or because he doesn't want
to hurt Antonia?

"You want a ride into town?" Harry calls from the front porch.

"We're going to have words, old man."  Jim glares at him.

"That doesn't answer my question.  Should I go fire up the flitter or
not?"

"Yes," she answers for both of them.  "Please."

Harry smiles and walks away, returns a moment later in the small
flitter.  They climb in; the ride to town is silent, but Jim keeps
squeezing her hand, and she keeps looking over at him as if to
reassure herself that he is really coming home with her.

"Next time I see you, Christine, I hope you can stay a while," Harry
says as they climb out of the flitter.

"Me too."  She smiles at him.  "Thank you."

He nods solemnly.  "Just as long as everything turned out okay.  That
way, I won't have to get mad that you went and told him I called you."

"Sorry.  I'm a bad liar."  If only that were true.

She follows Jim into the station, waits with him in line.  He holds
her hand.  But there is something in his face, some sort of sadness
she doesn't like.

Just how much does he feel for this other woman?  Does he love
Antonia?

"If you want to turn around, I'm sure she'll still be there."  It is a
stupid thing to say, but it is the only thing to say.  Sometimes you
have to be brave and face things head on.

But her heart breaks a little as she says it.

He hesitates a moment too long.

She pulls away.  "Look.  Just go back then."

He doesn't move.  "It's not like that."

"Then what is it like?"

"It's just that I'm not sure we can be saved."

She feels all expression die on her face.  They're terminal?  As a
doctor, she knows it's all over the moment she gives up on a patient
living.

That is unless the patient has other ideas.

"We can be.  I know it."  She takes his hand.  "We were happy."

"Past tense."

"We will be happy.  Future tense."

He smiles slightly.  The tech motions them forward and he doesn't seem
to hesitate.  She steps up too, gives the man the station they want.

The walk to their apartment is short, the elevator ride even shorter. 
Their apartment seems so cold, so empty.

He sighs as they walk in, turns to her.  "At least keep your goddamned
eyes open.  I don't want to have to wonder if you're pretending I'm
some younger man."

She looks down.  It never occurred to her that David's age would be a
factor in this.  But Jim has been touchy about his final approach to
fifty.  She's not sure why--he's as vital as ever.

"You're the only one I see," she says, as she moves into his arms.

He kisses her, tentatively at first, then with more passion.  They
don't bother getting to the bedroom, fall down on the couch and make
love with the old intensity.

She is careful to keep her eyes open.

She notices he does not call her name out, wonders if he is afraid to
call out any name in case it is the wrong one.

As they lie together afterwards, there is something missing between
them.  The sex was good, their kisses now are sweet.

But the trust is gone.  On both their parts.

She hopes not forever.


End part 1 of 3

--
Forwarded to ASCL by:
Stephen Ratliff
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