Received: from [66.218.66.28] by n20.grp.scd.yahoo.com with NNFMP; 17 Jun 2004 03:01:27 -0000 X-Sender: stephen@trekiverse.org X-Apparently-To: ascl@yahoogroups.com Received: (qmail 60831 invoked from network); 17 Jun 2004 03:01:26 -0000 Received: from unknown (66.218.66.166) by m22.grp.scd.yahoo.com with QMQP; 17 Jun 2004 03:01:26 -0000 Received: from unknown (HELO avocet.mail.pas.earthlink.net) (207.217.120.50) by mta5.grp.scd.yahoo.com with SMTP; 17 Jun 2004 03:01:26 -0000 Received: from sdn-ap-022dcwashp0380.dialsprint.net ([63.191.161.126]) by avocet.mail.pas.earthlink.net with smtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1Ban9W-0000nU-00 for ascl@yahoogroups.com; Wed, 16 Jun 2004 20:01:23 -0700 To: ascl@yahoogroups.com Organization: Alt.StarTrek.Creative Virtual Staff Office Message-ID: X-Mailer: Forte Agent 1.92/32.572 X-eGroups-Remote-IP: 207.217.120.50 X-eGroups-From: Stephen From: Stephen X-Yahoo-Profile: oldmanasc MIME-Version: 1.0 Mailing-List: list ASCL@yahoogroups.com; contact ASCL-owner@yahoogroups.com Delivered-To: mailing list ASCL@yahoogroups.com Precedence: bulk List-Unsubscribe: Date: Wed, 16 Jun 2004 22:59:59 -0400 Subject: [ASC] NEW - A Grand Slam MiSTing (2/4) (Humor, DS9, TNG, X-Over) Reply-To: ASCL-owner@yahoogroups.com Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-ELNK-AV: 0 Forwarded by the ASC-VSO Posted: Wed, 16 Jun 2004 04:27:43 GMT In: alt.startrek.creative From: billfl@hiwaay.net (Bill Livingston) >The Endicott Syndrome (DS9) Mike: o/` I'll never be - like Endicott! o/` >by Rob Morris > Tom: Looks like we're about to Rob Morris to pay Pearl. Crow: Ouch! >As Odo entered Kira's quarters, Crow: He slipped himself under the door. > he saw her motion for him to be quiet. Mike: [Kira] Shhh! "Monk"'s on! >Both O'Brien children were still staying at Nerys's. Tom: Oop, Miles musta missed this month's rent check. > The O'Briens, separated for >almost two weeks by a bizarre twist of time and space Crow: A.K.A. Standard "Trek" plot number 55. > were - busy. Mike: They're catching up on two weeks' worth of Narbonic and Sluggy Freelance. >Kira activated the one-way sound dampeners Tom: It's - THE CONE OF SILENCE! > so that she and Odo could talk without >waking Molly and her little brother. > >"Oh, I love those kids! Mike: [Kira] Especially with that Honey Mustard sauce! > But if Keiko and Miles don't come for them soon, I >swear I'll have them hosed down! Crow: Well, that's one way to rinse off all the apple juice and cake frosting. Mike: Oh, I'm sure the kids aren't that bad. Crow: Huh? Oh - uh, yeah - the, um, the kids. Heh. > The Padre told me that the Klingers are the >same way, back in 1956!" > Tom: And let the crossover action commence - now! Mike: Deep Space Nine and M*A*S*H - it's such a natural, too. >Odo smiled, Tom: Well, he at least rippled his protoplasm. > at the thought of The Priest with the Prophet-awakened ability to >traverse the timestream. Crow: Sam Becket leaps into Father Flanagan!!! > The man's discussion with Odo and the simple faith >possessed by Francis Mulcahy made the burden of Odo's destiny as his people's >savior easier to bear. > Mike: I remember this one - Hawkeye steals a runabout and crashes the Dominion War Peace Conference on Ouijanboo XII. >"Temporal Affairs absolutely hates him! So does the Kai! Tom: So does Rush Limbaugh! And Tom Daschle! And Lisa Kudrow, for some reason! > You know, Nerys, >maybe we should send him after Dukat!" > Crow: Or maybe they should send him after a couple of Whoppers. >Kira's smile faded. > Tom: She wandered out of her cellular coverage area. >"No, Odo, I don't see us doing that. I mean, Dukat would love to get his hands >on a Prophet, wouldn't he?" > Crow: Starfleet posts round-the-clock guards on Elijah and Elisha. >Odo looked confused. > Mike: It's hard to tell, but trust us - he does. >"You mean, get his hands on a host of the Prophets, don't you?" > Crow: Conan O'Brien? >Kira put her head down, Tom: And backed away slowly. > then looked back up to speak. > >"Odo, Father Mulcahy doesn't yet realize it, Mike: [Kira] But he'll never work in TV again. Not that *we* should talk... > but he---kind of IS one of the >Prophets! The being who claimed to be their Father showed me that Prophets >sometimes assume mortal lives. Tom: They enter the Federal Prophet Protection Program. Crow: I hear there's this one former Prophet who's running a hardware store in Tucson now. > The man known as Francis Mulcahy is one of them." > Mike: Plus, Colonel Flagg was a Romulan spy. >Odo shuddered, and instantly his clothes shifted - again - Tom: [Kira] Hey! The restraining order says you can't do that! > to those of the >wartime fatigues once worn by Father Mulcahy. Crow: [Mulcahy] My word, Quark, this jocularity is most unseemly. > Kira looked at him with a >mixture of concern and amusement. > Tom: Plus a heaping dollop of sexual frustration. >"Nice. Wanna Try for Vedek? Mike: Or go for what's behind door number 3? > What did that being show you, in your visions? Tom: Just a guess? The things to be. >They seem to be staying with you, most of anyone." > >"That being? Mike: Or that state of being? Crow: You into Existentialism, Mike. Mike: Nope. Verb. That's what's happening. > Nerys, he all but identified himself as the God that most Terrans >worship! Tom: Wow! He spoke directly to cash? > More, the Prophets seemed to acknowledge him. Crow: [Odo] He gets a 10% cut off the top. > Have you spoken with >anyone about this?" > Mike: Maybe it's just me, but does anyone else feel a bit uneasy about God having a cameo appearance in a Star Trek fanfic? Tom: It sure makes it the crossover to end all crossovers. Crow: Maybe literally! >"Odo, who would I speak with? Tom: [Odo] What about Mel Gibson? > 'Oh, Kai Winn! Guess What? I met a being who may >be the parent to the blessed Prophets.' Crow: [Kira] Plus, I just saved a *bunch* on my runabout insurance with Geico! > I don't even want to think about that >claim, Tom: I mean, the copyright wrangling alone... > let alone what she would do with it, once she heard." > Mike: She'd develop it into a zany new sitcom - "The Major and the Almighty". >Kira's faith had been both joyously fulfilled and badly shaken by the events >in River Bend. Crow: She'd heard about the lonesome loser. Mike: You mean that he's beaten by the Queen of Hearts every time? Crow: Yeah, he's a loser, but he still keeps on trying. > Odo very wisely decided to change the subject. > Tom: [Odo] So, how about those Cardassians, huh? >"In my first vision, I was the Padre. Mike: The *San Diego* Padre. Tom: Odo was batting clean-up for Tony Gwynn. > Pierce and McIntyre had a bizarre scheme Mike: It involved a pocketwatch, five pounds of creamed corn and Frank Burns' footlocker. >to prevent a man named "Painless" from ending his life. Tom: 'Cuz that would bring on many changes. Crow: Eh - I can take or leave them, if I please. > It involved me in a >way I couldn't quite comprehend. Mike: [Odo] And it didn't help that Colonel Blake had Borg implants. > Also, these two looked different from the >Pierce and McIntyre we met. Crow: [Odo] Pierce was all preachy and sensitive and stuff, and McIntyre had a mustache and kept whining about a wife and kid in California. Tom: [Kira] You just got hold of one an episode from their later seasons. > They had a rowdier, harsher edge to them. Mike: The parts of Pierce and McIntyre will be played be Triple-H and the Rock. >That vision was weird enough. In my second, Crow: [Odo] I was Hot Lips that time. Frank asked me to meet him behind the laundry tent and... > I awoke in a large, spacious office, Mike: On BBC-America. >with a man yelling..." > >"Clayton! HEY, Clayton!" > >Clayton Endicott the 3rd awoke from his bizarre dream of being a cop. Crow: On patrol with T.J. Hooker, no doubt. Tom: So now we've moved from Start Trek to M*A*S*H to Benson? Mike: I'll say this for Rob - he's ambitious in his crossoverloading. > Pete was >standing right next to him. > >"Clayton, uh, schedule?" > Tom: Fridays at 8:30, 7:30 Central, on ABC. >Endicott realized he was late putting together the schedule for Governor >Gatling's trip to Greatlink. Mike: Home of the largest chain in whatever state they're in. > He oozed through his entire desk, looking for a >pen. Crow: Ew! Mike: Actually, it sounds kinda like the boss at a temp job I had once. > Absently, he realized that Pete was of a species he had never seen >before. Tom: *gasp* It's the rare and lovely Ethanus Phillipicus! > As he hurriedly attempted to finish the schedule, in walked ever-cocky >Lieutenant Governor Benson Dubois. > Crow: Followed by the entire cast of "Sports Night". >"Clayton, where is that schedule? If the Dominion thinks were showing >disrespect, Mike: Then they ain't seen nothing yet! > they could invade! Generally, that would drive the Governor's >approval rating DOWN!" > Crow: I dunno, didn't seem to hurt Bush. >Now Endicott was confused. Something from his dream leaked through. > Crow: So it's not just a crossover - it's a *dream sequence* crossover. Tom: All we need is self-insertion and slash for a grand slam. Crow: So to speak. Tom: Er, right. >"My people are invading 20th Century Earth?" > Mike: No, just 20th Century Fox. They got a three-picture deal. >Benson looked at him askance. > >"Well, Clayton, I hear that they thought about invading during the >Renaissance, Crow: They're the idealized version of the compleat Renaissance changeling. Tom: Are you sure they're not just a Klingon merchant? Crow: No, they're *not* a Klingon merchant! Mike: The Monty Python Star Trek Renaissance sketch, everyone. > but ol' Billy Shakespeare was all booked up! Crow: He'll be on "Ye Olde Late Shew, with Sir David of Lettermanne". > Pete, go help the >Governor find his tie! Mike: [Benson] And not the one with the hula dancer on it! > While you're at it, help Krause find her BRAIN! Bots: Brains! Argh! Graaar! *slurp* Brains! >Tie first, though. There are, after all, priorities!" > Crow: Like call before you dig... Tom: Caress before you dress... Mike: I before E except after C... >Pete left, to do as he was bid. > Tom: Pete's monitoring e-Bay for those ultra-rare "Soap" Pez dispensers. >"Benson, what species is Pete?" > >"What species? He's A Talaxian!" > Mike: You can tell by his cologne - "Eau de Leola Root". >"Where do Talaxians come from?" > >Dubois patronizingly pulled Endicott's cheek. Somehow, it hurt. > Tom: It hurt like having someone pull on your cheek. >"Nowwww, Clayton! Didn't your mommy tell you where aliens come from?" > Crow: The three-headed Xythanian fire-stork brings them. >"Can the routine! Mike: Put it in Mason Jars! Get ready for a long winter! > Where is he from?" > >"We found him in the Delta Quadrant, Duh!" > Crow: "Duh." Never before has a fanfic summed itself up so succinctly. >"How did we end up in the Delta Quadrant?" > Tom: Doctor Smith sabotaged the Robot and - oh, wait. >Benson moved in for the kill. > Crow: [Steve Irwin] Crikey! This Lieutenant Governor is enraged, mates! Looks like I better dangle me kid in front of 'im to calm 'im down! >"That's easy, Clayton, you were driving!" > Mike: [dully] Ah ha ha. Those wacky "driving changeling" jokes work every time. >DEEP SPACE NINE Tom: Today's sci-fi scores are: Deep Space 9, Babylon 5; Blake's 7, SG 1; and in multiple overtime, Sealab 2021, Space 1999. >"So, Nerys, that's how the whole thing went. I appeared to have no purpose but >to serve as the butt of this man's jokes. Crow: So he was their Mike Nelson? Mike: Hey! > Jokes I always walked into, I might add." > Tom: Oh, he *was* their Mike Nelson. Mike: Is this Demean and Belittle the Jumpsuited Human Day or something? Crow: Oh c'mon, Nelson, lighten up. Tom: Yeah, that's *every day* around here. Mike: Okay then, I just - hey! >Kira had a question. > Mike: [Kira] You know a good plastic surgeon? I'm gettin' wrinkles in my nose wrinkles. >"What about the Dominion?" > Crow: And what about Bob? Mike: And what about Joan? Tom: And what about love? >"Oh, them. Well, we were late, and they did invade, Tom: But they had no exit strategy and it ended badly. > and the Governor's >approval ratings started to dip. Crow: Mmmmm - dip! > But then Benson had the woman Krause pose >as another Alien Queen Mike: [Odo] She attached herself to Sigourney Weaver's face. Tom: Lucky alien queen! > who threatened and tricked the female shapeshifter of >our acquaintance, Tom: Renee Zellweger? > and all was well within 25 minutes, as they agreed to a >treaty against our "common foe". Mike: Namely, Ryan Seacrest. > Then Pete married his wife, >who--discorporated. Tom: Can you show that on prime time TV? Crow: Not on basic cable. Maybe premium or pay-per-view. > Right at the end, the female shapeshifter saw Krause out >of makeup, and got worried, Mike: She wondered if she should switch from Cover Girl to Lancomme, too. > but signed anyway. Very bizarre. Crow: That's one word for it. Tom: [Kira] Okay, that's it - no more anchovy and cayenne pepper protoplasmic pizzas before your nap! > And I haven't >told you the strangest part." > Crow: [Odo] I had a face! A real face! >Nerys couldn't imagine anything more strange, but asked anyway. > >"What's that, Odo?" > Tom: It's a tattoo. Don't ask how he got it. >"Well, the Governor and Benson were running against each other for >re-election. The winner was just about to be announced." > Mike: And they got to sit behind the desk while everyone else had to do a Hoedown with Drew. >Kira nodded. > >"So, who won? Dubois or Gatling?" > >Odo shook his head. > >"I don't know! Tom: [Odo] That's when Katherine Harris showed up and the whole thing just went straight into the crapper! > The being ended the image right then, and it never resumed! Crow: [announcer] Your prophet is experiencing technical difficulties. Please do not adjust your soul. >Nerys, I simply have to know who won! Even talking with Father Mulcahy hasn't >helped rid me of my curiosity on this matter. Tom: [Odo] I may have to talk to Father Dowling! Or even Father Murphy! > What do you think?" > Mike: You - the audience at home? >"I don't know, Odo. Some questions just don't have easy answers. Tom: Like what's the sound of one hand clapping? Mike: Or what's the square root of pi? Crow: Or who exactly is keeping "Joe Millionaire" on the air? > Or, it seems, >any answers at all. 'What If' is a dangerous, wasteful game to play. Tom: Oooh, careful there, colonel - there a couple of newgroups full of folks who might disagree with you there. Crow: Yeah, they'll sic their Alien Space Bats on you! > I mean, >'What If' we had all failed to stop Arne Darvin from killing Kirk? Mike: Well, for one thing, David Gerrold would be out of work now. > 'What If' >that man's famous five-year mission had ended two years early as a result?" > Tom: Think of all the green-skinned space babes who'd have never known that sweet, sweet Shatner Love! >Odo laughed. > Crow: A sound like someone blowing air bubbles into a bottle of dish detergent. >"Ok, so I'm being foolish. But did you have to use such a ridiculous example >as that?" > Mike: [Kira] Okay, what if you had to stop the Nazis by pushing Joan Collins in front of a truck? Tom: [Odo] See? *Much* more believable. >Odo then left, feeling somewhat better. Mike: Sharing his psychotic episodes with his girlfriend always cheered him up. > On his way into Sisko's office, he >passed Worf, Crow: But he still finished second behind Smarty Jones. > who had been royally grilled Tom: Mmmm - fresh grilled Klingon, Memphis style! > over the Tuttle incident, and looked it. > Mike: The "Tuttle" incident? Crow: Yeah, you remember him - Worf had lunch with him just yesterday. >"Ah, Constable! Just the man I wanted to see! Tom: [Sisko] Can I interest you in a "Spencer: For Hire" boxed set? > We'll need extra security, the >next 3 days. Company's coming!" > Mike: "Star Trek: Three's Company"! Crow: Sisko moves in with Dax & Kira and has to pretend he's a Bajoran! And it's wacky! >"I'll do what I can, Captain. What kind of company is expected, if I may ask?" > Mike: Paramount, probably. >"We're going to be receiving a crew for the 2nd Prometheus-class ship ever >built! Tom: [Sisko] I hope they remembered to poke airholes in the crate this time. > My old friend Captain Gatling will be joined by his XO, Commander >Guilliaume, and Science Officer Krause. [silence] Tom: Okay, the dream sequence is one thing, but *this*... > Now, Odo, I'd like your people to >inspect their ship, the W.E.B. Dubois, Crow: Tell me this isn't happening. Mike: It isn't happening. Crow: Liar! > and check for signs... Mike: Such as "Warning. Unstable Crossover ahead." > SISKO TO BASHIR! >Doctor, the Constable has fainted in my office!" > Crow: [Sisko] Bring a medkit! And a roll of Bounty! >"Doctor Bashir is treating some radiation burns, Captain! Crow: Frank Burns is radioactive? Tom: HULK SMASH PUNY FERRET FACE! Mike: And again, you're giving the author ideas. > But I'll be right up!" > >"Are you new here, Doctor?" > Mike: [Doctor] Yeah, and, uh, could you validate my runabout parking? >"Yes, sir! It's an honor to meet you! I'm Doctor Endicott! Mike: Oy! Crow: Why do I have this feeling that any minute, Gul Chester Tate is going to come bursting through the door? > Heh! Some people >seem to think I even resemble your constable!" > Tom: [Endicott] Have you met my uncle, Colonel West? >THE END Crow: But wait! Here comes DeSaad & Captain Sir Edney! Tom: Let's scram before they really do. [All leave] -- Forwarded to ASCL by: Stephen Ratliff ASC Stories Only Forwarding In the Pattern Buffer at: http//trekiverse.crosswinds.net/feed/ ASCL is a stories-only list, no discussion. Comments and feedback should be directed to alt.startrek.creative or directly to the author. Yahoo! Groups Links <*> To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ASCL/ <*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to: ASCL-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com <*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to: http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/ From ???@??? Wed Jun 16 23:02:23 2004 X-Persona: Status: U Return-Path: Received: from n2.grp.scd.yahoo.com ([66.218.66.75]) by tanager.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EarthLink SMTP Server) with SMTP id 1bAN9Q69z3NZFmQ0 for ; Wed, 16 Jun 2004 20:01:42 -0700 (PDT) X-eGroups-Return: sentto-1977044-13722-1087441302-stephenbratliffasc=earthlink.net@returns.groups.yahoo.com