Title: There is Nothing Like A Dame
Author: Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu)
Series: TOS
Rating: [G]
Summary: "There is Nothing Like a Dame" from South Pacific added to
"Trouble With Tribbles"

Disclaimer: Star Trek is oh holy Paramount's, which insists that we give
our first born child to them, but we won't fault them for that. "Trouble
with Tribbles" was written by David Gerrold, may we all have as much
success.  "There is Nothing Like a Dame" is from Rogers and
Hammerstien's _South_Pacific_.  The perversions of those works within
are Stephen Ratliff's 

Copyright 1997 Stephen Ratliff

Permission to archive in the ASC Archive is granted.  All others ask
first.

Author's Note:
	This idea has been floating around in my head since I started
revising A Royal Wedding. I just had to wash this idea right out of my
hair.  I mean no disrespect to Star Trek, David Gerrold, or Rogers and
Hammerstien, but this was just too good of an idea.  You'll note that
several words are misspelled though out the piece and the language used
by Kirk and Spock is not what you'd usually expect from them.  That's
the effect of taking "There is Nothing Like a Dame" and giving it to
them instead of the Sailors, Marines, and Soldiers who sing it in
_South_Pacific_.  I particularly want to disassociate the spelling of
perfume as puifume, and the heavy use of ain't.  Blame that on Rogers
and Hammerstien
	Now on with the show...

Stephen Ratliff



Commander Koloth in 

There is Nothing Like A Dame

Also Starring ...

	Captain James T. Kirk
	Commander Spock

Co-Starring...
	Mister Lurry
	Krax and Mog, Klingon aides
	Yeoman Rand

Based on
	Trouble with Tribbles by David Gerrold
	and "There is Nothing Like a Dame" From Rogers and Hammerstien's
South Pacific

By Stephen Ratliff

Captain's Log Stardate 4524.2

A Klingon warship is hovering only a hundred kilometers off Deep Space
Station K-7 while its Captain waits in the station manager's office.  

[Kirk and Spock enter to join Mister Lurry, Koloth and his two aides
Korax and Mog]

Koloth: My dear Captain Kirk, let me assure you that my intentions are
peaceful.  As I have explained to Mister Lurry, the purpose of my
presence is to invoke shore leave rights.

Kirk: Shore Leave?

Koloth: Captain- Klingons are not as luxury minded as Eathers.  We do
not equip our ships with certain non-essentials.

Korax: [begining to sing] We got starlight on the bow 
	We got moonlight to the port

Mog: We got bloodwine and living gagh
	You can pick us off the floor

Korax: We got targ fights and daggers
	And lots of deadly games

Koloth: [Commanding Tone] What ain't we got.

Korax and Mog: We ain't got dames

Mog: We get packages from home

Mister Lurry: We get movies we get shows

Korax: We get speeches from our skipper 

[Koloth glares at Korax]

Kirk: And advice from High Command
[Kirk and Koloth share a grin]

Mog: We get letters doused wit' puifume.

Mister Lurry: We get dizzy from the smell.

Koloth: [Loudly] What don't we got?

Everyone but Spock: You know damn well.

Koloth: We have nothing to put on a clean white suit for.
	What we need is what there ain't no substitute for.

Everyone but Spock: [Spock is beginning to find the tune infectious]
	There is nothin' like a dame
	Nothing in the world...
	There is nothin' you can name
	That is anything like a dame

	Nothin' else is built the same
	Nothin' in the world
	Has the soft and wavy frame 
	Like the silhouette of a dame

Spock: [To the surprise of everyone else]
	There is absolutely nothin' like the frame of a dame

[Yeoman Rand enters carrying a PADD. The Klingons whistle the melody.
Kirk signs the PADD and she exits via another door]

Koloth: That's one beautiful Dame.  Wish I could see more of her.

Mister Lurry: She'll be back

Koloth: Oh?

Mister Lurry: That's the door to Storage.

Kirk: So a dame ain't brite.
	Or completely free of flaws

Korax: Or as faithful as a pet targ

Mister Lurry: Or as kind as Santa Clause

Spock: It's a waste of time to worry 
	Over things they have not

Mog: Be thankful for ...

Everyone: ... The things they got

[Yeoman Rand re-enters the room and exits the right door.  Even Spock
whistles the melody]

Everyone: There is nothin' that you can name
	That is anythin' like a dame
	There are no books like a dame

Spock: That I can confirm

Everyone: There no drinks like a dame

Koloth: Bloodwine come close

Everyone: And nothin' thinks like a dame

Kirk: Or so Bones tells me.

Everyone: Nothing acts like a dame

Koloth: My wife proves that every day

Everyone: Or attracts like a dame.

Mister Lurry: At least to Captain Kirk

Everyone: There ain't a thing wrong that's wrong with anyone here
	That can be cured by puttin' him near
	A girly, womanly, female, feminine, dame